As someone who can’t tell what he’s going to do five minutes before zero hour, I think about the future a lot. I talk about the future a lot. While I consider myself three parts idealist and one part realist, I tend to have the delusion that something I have now will last forever. I think that is why I blew all my money and didn’t know it until it was too late, it seemed infinite. When I look at life, though, things don’t quite seem so simple to me. Spending $29K is easy until you’re stuck selling your DVD player to pay the electric bill but life seems more like rolling down a mountain blindfolded; You know you’ve moving, you know there’s no stopping it, but what scares you is not knowing if you’re about to hit a tree or a boulder or an Eskimo.

I know my life is changing, I know it has irreparably changed since I’ve been in Springfield. Over half of my graduating class has kids or is married or both. I see that and I shudder because I know that most of them, if not all, have fucked up but I also know that their lives are repairable. Out of all my relationships, even with the girl that I was in painful love with, I never saw myself spending my life with them. I never saw myself having a suburban life or driving an SUV or having kids or holding down a desk job. The concept of having the idea that you want to be with someone forever eludes me. The only person that I could stand every waking moment with forever is myself, and lately I’ve been keeping my mind so occupied that me and I never really spend any time together.

Three weeks ago I saw myself behind the wheel of my ‘66 ten years from now, now I’m missing it but I’m very active about selling it. A year and six months ago I never saw Josh and I not being friends, now I’m bordering on hate towards him. When I was ten I saw myself driving a Ferrari and socializing in clubs every Saturday night, now I only talk to three or four people on a regular basis. I don’t know where I’m going to be or what I’m going to be doing or who’s going to be in my life. I could get sick of being a hermit and become a social butterfly in two weeks or I could be like this until I die, both on a whim. The world around me is surrounded by me full of people with lives that are okay for them, even if they are miserable, but I have no interest in. The fucked up thing is that eventually I could see myself committing some sort of crime to put me in prison. I’m not sure what it’s called but some former inmates commit crimes immediately after their release because they don’t want to be a part of the world…Yeah, that’s what I can see myself having, only I wouldn’t require the returning inmate part.

I could see myself becoming a drifter too, as someone who doesn’t have to be but chooses to be. Someone who walks the earth because having a home isn’t in their DNA. Or an outlaw. I’m rattling out things that most people wouldn’t go for, but those seem to be the only possible futures for me. Futures that I could adapt to out of desperation. I’ve never considered myself to be normal and in a lot of ways I wouldn’t want to be, but trying certainly puts me in a predicament.

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